By Lewis W. J.

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I had stupidly blown up my monkey with a coconut, and we’re supposed to be more advanced than they are? Have you ever tried explaining yourself to one of them? The next day I buried him with his favourite toy, a can of his preferred beer, a pack of cigarettes and the bathroom key. 36 **Don't Tell Mum-Rigs 27/7/05 4:27 PM Page 37 PACK-A-DAY MONKEY To get my mind off Joe’s demise I was sent on a HUET (Helicopter Underwater Escape Training) course. Every two years all personnel who work on offshore installations have to go through HUET.

The bolts that were around his mouth had caught in the kangaroo’s hide and were now in the middle of his face, with big chunks of bloody fur stuck to them. Once again he was unrecognisable. There was a pulse, however, and he was alive so once more I strapped him in and drove back to town. The same doctor who had waved us goodbye was still on duty. He looked whiter than his coat when I came tearing into the hospital’s main entrance covered in blood. Another six weeks later, Craig took the bus back.

So we did the only thing left to do . . we turned up the fan. This particular fan was huge; it looked like someone had bolted a B-52 propeller to the ceiling. No-one had ever set it higher than five on the dial, which was enough to pin three grown men to the f loor, their cheeks rippling like skydivers. It turned into a test of Joe’s determination: he was a tiny masturbating astronaut in a centrifuge, we hit ten on the dial, furniture began rattling across the floor . . ‘Go for it little man,’ cried Drew.

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A Treatise on Crystallography by Lewis W. J.


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